Life Reel

I was told that my whole life will be flashing in front of my eyes the moment i am dying. do i believe that? Well, i am not sure. But indeed life is a series of moment, picture, quote that come one after another in sequence just like in a film-reel.

Therefor i am writing this post, for the sake avoiding awkward moment flashing my life whilst  being watch by an angel. Or simply just because i want you to become part of my life-reel.

Or maybe just to give you some thing to read (just in case you’re bored.)

So here you a shameless compilation of  all the interesting (or mostly stupid) quote/ moment in my life. This is a growing post i’ll put more if i found a good one.

And yes, in case you haven’t realize it, my life sometime can be come a complete mess.


“Damn!”

– Things that you said to yourself when you go to Facebook and found out your old crush is getting married and so is the person who used to have a crush on you.


“be your self! life  is too short just for regretting what you haven’t done or who you are. “

– Another random self-talk because of Facebook-walking and realizing that you’re surrounded by amazing people that doing amazing things. While you are still..

well, nothing.


“i wish fountain of youth does exits”

– The moment you feel..

Well, old


“i will live my life to the fullest”

– The moment you stop for a while and look around, and feel extremely grateful for your own life. or at least because you just re-run one drama ;P


“In this life, there is an distinct between field: engineering, design, art, business etc.
its very often that i don’t know what i want to do and sometime i want to all of them.”

– A quotable word that stuck on you head because of this


“Oh, Okay..”

– The only thing you can say when your SPV says you miss one important step which make all your result is wrong, and you need to do re-analysis your data at H-2 submission. Oh did I already mention H-2?


“Oh.. Msc.. why? Really? WHY?!”

– Basically what you can say when you felt your soul left your body for moment above


“Hang in there, You’re one of the strongest person i know “
– A wise friend when you told her the  moment above


“well, you know. what ever doesn’t kill you just make you stronger”
– Same wise friend when you told her moment above AGAIN!


“Result will never betray process”
– Another wise friend that when you shamelessly told her how desperate you are for being stupid no matter how hard you tried.


“Well, ɪ used to work in retail, i once standing for more than 12 hours in 5cm-wedges”

-How you answer your boss when he ask you to change your shoes for the sake of the job. complete blog post -> here


” Well, at least he was chosen by a god”
– An answer for my damn stupid question, how come a king become a KING?!


” you’ll need a time like this, when you just enjoy life”
– A friend when you sit in a nice restaurant with a damn good view


” live your life like a boss”
– A friend when you go to lower currency country


“Human potential is unlimited, its just our mind that make the limit”
– The moment you fly up high despite the fact that you have a thing with height.


“Did you miss HOME?”
– the moment when everything gets hard


” Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bug bite”
– the moment that you get bitten by the bed bug, literary.


“So, what exactly do you want?”

– a question that was thrown to me  when i asked myself the exact some  question.


“There is 2 person inside me”

– the statement that make you really want to be sarcastic.


“Can people just do some good deeds without any other intention?”

-the moment that you start doubting sincerity in humanity,


“You’re the only person i know who can live so frugal”

– a friend when we talked about.. err money


“Your pride is truly something ya”

-An ex when i told him about my current ( now already become another ex-) bf


“At the end we still love it. You  know culture, food, and basically everything about it but the people”

-Things that me and my friend can conclude about this particular country.


“I forgot that you’ve been that stupid”

-A good friend of mine who has no clue that I’ve done something even more stupid.


“He’ll leave sooner or later”

– A good friend of mine when we both talk about our relationship life that has more obvious ending than a cliche novel.


“Actually you’re not that anymore, right?”

– The statement that make you really want to be sacarstic part 2.


“Its weird, both of you”

– A good friend of mine commenting on my current relationship

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Curse

hey, Let me tell you a secret.

I am cursed.

yes cursed. you don’t hear it wrongly. Curses that was  defined as something evil or unpleasant that happens to someone or something, by or as if by a magical power. Well at least that was the definition by Cambridge dictionary. Or to put it’s simple, yes  I am talking  about the one you know from your old bed time story. And i’m not even kidding.

Oh okay i know you probably start to think that i am over-thinking.  but let’s got through some facts here. Ever since i was a kid i always be different. When the other kids begging for the things they want, i was just never say it. Candies, toys or what ever it is -no matter how bad i want it i will never ask. And Its not only for the things i want, -things i hate, things i don’t agree, everything. At first i just thought that i was probably just my fear. Fear that every one will think i am annoying, needy or clingy. Or maybe it was my pride that prevent those word slip out of my tongue. Whatever it is , it’s chronic enough to built a steel wall.

Okay, now maybe you think that i am actually just an introverted person. But i can assure you that’s not the case. My life is an open book. Well, i am not saying that i don’t have secret. But I pretty much share everything. That’s also the reason why you’re here right now listening to my nonsense rambling.The thing is just that i cannot say some particular thing.

So there is no other more logical explanation rather than cursed.

I’ll rather being left alone rather than admit that i need someone.

I’ll rather crying inside-out than saying that fucking 4 letter word.

I’ll rather consider as cold rather that show it on my face .

It just never come out. It never slip through my tongue. Eventually, it make me a big fat liar.

That’s why i pretty sure i was cursed. Or maybe it was Karma.

Whatever it is. I’ll never be a blunt person, never was and never will.

This is my curse.

 

So when i said i love you.

You should know that i really mean it.

 

 

 

Another Summer

‘ I start doubting about significant other or is he really out there”

That what a good friend told me once which i replied by a simple nodded. We both woman in our late 20s and this is what come to our conclusion after stumbled here and there. But of course it doesn’t mean that we stop believing. Our conversation remind me to one scene in ‘500 days of summer’. The scene when summer talk to tom in the bench.

 

 

Tom: You know what’s sucks? Realizing what you believing is completely bullshit. It’s sucks.

Summer: What do you mean?

Tom: You know… destiny, soulmate, true love, childhood fairy tale, non sense. You are right. I should have listen to you

Summer: No.

Tom: Why are you smiling?

Summer: Tom, well, you know, I guess it’s cause I was sitting in a deli and reading Dorian Gray and a guy comes up to me and ask me about it and now he’s my husband.

Tom: Ya, and so?

Summer: What if I had gone the movies? What if I had gone somewhere else for lunch? What if I got there ten minutes later? It was… it was meant to be. And I just kept thinking Tom was right. It’s just wasn’t me you are right about.

That scene basically explain what i am thinking right now.So probably it is. just like what Summer say to Tom.

 

” And I just kept thinking Tom was right. It’s just wasn’t me you are right about.” 

 

Looking at summer’s statement then maybe they  do really are exits, a person who so called significant other. It’s just the timing wasn’t right, the place wasn’t right, and most likely the person was never be right. It is just probably will not  be like a movie. You stumbled in a wrong person and going somehow magically that significant other appear right in front of your eyes. It won’t be  directly go from summer to autum just like in 500 day of summer. It probably require 1-3 summer, then winter and spring or even more.

So us? Are we giving up? Are we tired of waiting?

No. as i told before indeed i start of doubting but that doesn’t mean that i stop believing. It’s just i am on state that i am probably okay if.. just if that autum will never ever come to me. I am totally already accept the possibility that there is no-half-apple for everybody..

probably indeed some soul  was already completed by their own.

So what next? you may ask ?

Is that all sound desperate ?

well, in fact it’s not.

currently, i am okay with another summer.

and eventually if you not really expecting something, another summer actually make you happy.

And if..

Just if..

The person that you think as ‘summer’ eventually become an ‘autumn’ that would be pleasant surprise.

 

 

 

A Happiness List

Just because i am in a mood to make another growing post. Let’s list up things that make me happy eventough that it’s probably going weird:

  1. a theme park with its happy go lucky visitor
  2. a really good photo that was snapped by my low level photography skill
  3. an instant noodle cup on cheat day
  4. a good tea blend at  office every morning
  5. that bunch of ilegally downloaded movie on my pc
  6. A lazy sunday afternoon when you literally doing nothing
  7. a free ticket that was flash right in front of my eye
  8. that rum raisin mochi ice cream
  9. an random itinerary that you make without thinking
  10. reading some quotes from movie/song/books
  11. a notif on my phone
  12. another disney life action movie
  13. a stranger that offer to help lift up my suitcase at stair in subway
  14. a highspeed internet connection
  15. a simple compliment that threw to you without any intention
  16. a tidy room which is a exceptional because its usually a complete mess
  17. reading someone blog
  18. A feeling when you look liked professional when you’re not
  19. A display of pretty pretty dessert in store’s window
  20. That full course meal with unspellable name
  21. And a glass of wine on top of that
  22. A cheap bus ride across the countries
  23. Buying someone something
  24. Snuggling
  25. A new water dispenser in my room
  26. A coupon code over discounterd item
  27. A proper breakfast
  28. A shit emoji 💩
  29. A kindle and its feature which make thing why i didn’t have this stuff in the first place
  30. making a weird list (oh this is one)

 

Fiction: Muse

The muses are ghosts, and sometimes they come uninvited.”

-stephen king

Though not all of us is an artist, we all need to be in touch with a muse that teases our sense of wonder and built our crave to life’s next adventure.

Up till now my life is a constant search of a muse. I sometime try  found a muse in a sound. How could i say, I am audial, some particular sound is like a treat to my ears. I like the chopping sound from a cutting board or a sound of dancing finger on qwerty.

Then I search my muse in a smell. An familiar smell that i can sense each morning everytime i open my eyes. It can be the smell of freshly brewed coffee that sneak up into my bed room or the smell of grass with a hint of morning dew. Or call me crazy, but petichor is my favorite.

But eventually, i found my muse as a person. Not a woman like how muse usually described in every literature for centuries. He is a guy that every gesture of him tease my sense of creativity . The sound and smell that used to be my muse, he creates them for me this time.I called him muse-guy, which make him grin when i called him so.  He isn’t much conversationalist. He always just sit there doing nothing, pretend to ignore me – one who continue scratching pen on those paper while stealing glance of him ocassionaly. 

He is my muse guy -my source of inspiration.

He come uninvited.

He leave unnoticed.

Fiction : Not A Pair

It was a nice cozy restaurant in the downtown. It’s a quite fancy restaurant, i guess- looking at the menu which show a quite number of dollar for a pair of steak or bottle of good booze. I probably wouldn’t  want spent a dime here if its not a free dinner  voucher provide by the firm for what i’ve done for them this year. So here i am ordering the most fancy wine i can order and some french food with a name i even  cannot pronounce. while waiting for my date to come,  i continue taping my finger at the table nervously. It’s not like first time for me to have dinner date, but it probably the first time for quite significant period of time. I  actually don’t even sure if i can call him my date tonight. He is an intern in my firm – 5 years younger than me. We got really close lately and i know he kind of fancy me. Nope, its not like a romantic attraction,  yet it’s more like junior to senior’s respect I guess. Us it’s completely platonic.  That’s might be one of the reason why i ask him out when i got this free not-so-romantic dinner.

He is a bit late when i saw him enter the restaurant, panting. It’s traffic out there, i guess. I wave my hand to let him know where i sit, he saw me and give a sign to the waiter who just about to ask him whether he has made a reservation . He come to me as with a big bucket of white flower in his hand. Roses – well at least he god a good sense.

” congratulation, I know you’ll make it ,” he said with a big grin.

“thanks, I’m glad you  can make it. Have a seat,” I said, ” I hope you don’t mind, I have placed an order for you”

“Nah it’s my fault to come late. Few, It’s crazy traffic out there. I accept anything free tonight,” he winked.

I hate to admit it but i flustered for a moment. He looks fine in his suit, pretty much different with the usual him at i saw in the office, not a final year intern in faded jeans and sneaker. Now,  I am quite glad that put on my best little black dress and touch up my face with make up that i got from my mom for christmas.

“You’re so impressive” he adds, “Indepedent, strong, and corgrats for tge promotion”

I giggled, ” you’re just being  kind really.  That is the only thing i can do”

” but not everyone make it this far, right? “He said, ” I am not”

“They’ll hire you permanently. Richard told me this morning,” I take my wine glass for a toast,”Congratulation to you too then”

“This night is about you not me. So how should you i serve you tonight, milady ?”

I laughed again,”The waiter will serve us, you don’t have to. But if you insist, you can start pour me another glass of wine”

“My pleasure”

We both laughed.

“i can’t believe you spent a night like this with me” He add ” You should find someone special soon”

i rolled my eyes,”That’s your benefit then. At least you got a free dinner”

“I guess” He grinned, “But that because you never really search for someone. I mean look at you,”

” Did I mention that you’re impressive ?” He adds

” Twice tonight, A couples everyday, And hundreds since i know you”

” Wow, you keeping track” He smiled, ” I should’ve known that”

” I am good at numbers” I laughed ” But yeah.. you know there is  a distinct  differences between looked impressive and pretty right? And most of the time you know what they’ll choose”

” why don’t you just search someone who prefer to see you look impressive than pretty then”

” Ya.. let me know if that kind of guy do exit,” I silent looking at my reflection through wine glass. sparkling,  reflecting my one blue eye that was left since that accident two years ago. one. not a pair.

Back From Neverland

” Is that it, pete ?” she said when they finally arrived at the place she familiar with, ” Is it a goodbye? ”

“you knew i can’t leave neverland,”

“But i like it there,” She mumbled

“I know” He smiled whilst pat her head gently

“Don’t do that, I am older than you,” she  pouted her lips.

“Technically yes, ” He giggled

“Do you know, Pete?” She asked, her eyes fixed into a big house in front of them, “you did know why i don’t want to leave neverland, didn’t you ?”

“Why? don’t you miss home ?” He asked back instead of answering.

They both standing there at the lawn of a suburban house where they first met. The old willow tree ‘s branches keep knocking the window of the room at second floor. It’s indeed a windy night. The both looking at that window  where they first met. It start become nostalgic, the silhouette of a boy by the moonlight sitting at that window and a brown haired girl with freckles in her cheek in her favorite night gown peeking below her blanket.

” It’s just scary world out here, Pete ” She mourned desperately.

” The world is scary, Wen. Even in neverland,” He assured her, “Believe me you won’t want spent a life time being chased by nutcase pirate,”

Wendy laugh a bit. maybe it’s the first time she laughed that evening

“So , are ready for going home?” he offer his hand to her “Shall we?”

” We shall” she reach out his hand.

Peter smiled. They both start floating in the air, hand in hand  for the last time. Peter guide her to the second floor window, unlocked just like when they left it. Peter make sure Wendy land smoothly in her room before  he perched by the window. Wendy stumbled a bit  but she quickly found her balanced.

” I though you already expert on landing after those fairy dust training”

” I also tough i am,”  She grinned, “I probably  need more practices”

” You don’t need to fly here, Wen”

“I guess i am,”  She frowned

“So good bye, Wen” He start floating into the air, “It’s really a pleasure to know you. I really am”

“Good bye, Pete” She whispered watching her best friend drift away to the moon. She look at the window until she finally lose him from her sight. She stand there for few minutes  until she decide to crawl to her bed, letting the window open. The curtain continue flowing a few times as the night wind slowly entering the room. Wendy shrugged herself below the blanket,  pretending to be asleep so neither of her parents knew what happen to her tonight.

That’s why when ms. darling check her out just like she would do every other day, she has no clue that tonight is special. She just gently close the window so her daughter wouldn’t get sick at that cold night, not knowing that its her daugther itself who let it open. She caress her hair and give her forehead a good night kiss. Mrs Darling look at her daugther sleeping’s face and whispered, ‘Oh, why can’t you remain like this for ever!’

Wendy kept her eyes closed continue pretending to be a sleep .  Nevertheless, for none who knew. She hated peter pan with all her heart for him who never grew up. It is more an envy than a hate. if she could exchange those fairy dust with the ability to stop the time, she would. Henceforth Wendy knew that she must grow up..

even she didn’t want to.

 

 

– Shamelessly  take some dialog from  Finding Neverland (J.M. Barrie), and for you that might haven’t notice, yes that also where the characters in this fiction from.