Curse

hey, Let me tell you a secret.

I am cursed.

yes cursed. you don’t hear it wrongly. Curses that was  defined as something evil or unpleasant that happens to someone or something, by or as if by a magical power. Well at least that was the definition by Cambridge dictionary. Or to put it’s simple, yes  I am talking  about the one you know from your old bed time story. And i’m not even kidding.

Oh okay i know you probably start to think that i am over-thinking.  but let’s got through some facts here. Ever since i was a kid i always be different. When the other kids begging for the things they want, i was just never say it. Candies, toys or what ever it is -no matter how bad i want it i will never ask. And Its not only for the things i want, -things i hate, things i don’t agree, everything. At first i just thought that i was probably just my fear. Fear that every one will think i am annoying, needy or clingy. Or maybe it was my pride that prevent those word slip out of my tongue. Whatever it is , it’s chronic enough to built a steel wall.

Okay, now maybe you think that i am actually just an introverted person. But i can assure you that’s not the case. My life is an open book. Well, i am not saying that i don’t have secret. But I pretty much share everything. That’s also the reason why you’re here right now listening to my nonsense rambling.The thing is just that i cannot say some particular thing.

So there is no other more logical explanation rather than cursed.

I’ll rather being left alone rather than admit that i need someone.

I’ll rather crying inside-out than saying that fucking 4 letter word.

I’ll rather consider as cold rather that show it on my face .

It just never come out. It never slip through my tongue. Eventually, it make me a big fat liar.

That’s why i pretty sure i was cursed. Or maybe it was Karma.

Whatever it is. I’ll never be a blunt person, never was and never will.

This is my curse.

 

So when i said i love you.

You should know that i really mean it.

 

 

 

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Maybe.. not..

In Response : Daily prompt  Too Soon?

a black sedan car move in 50km/h through the nightstreet in jakarta. Pretty slow you might be think, but if you know how crazy the trafic this city is. You’ll probably won’t think so. That pretty much normal at this hour,especially at saturday night. The clock showing exactly 10pm while a guy and a girl both seating in the back seat of that sedan car. Both doesn’t look tired at all eventough that the night start becoming late and cold

.
“I have fun to day”say the guy breaking up the silence.

” i did too,” she put her head, leaning to the window,-which probably the only thing she can lean to right now, ocassionaly looking at the street light. She can hear a car honk few times which makes her wonder why the street is still busy at this time. But she don’t even borther, she lived in the city which has population way much more than it should’ve. That’s already shoud be

“I really hope we hang out very often” he said again.

this time she nodded as an answer. her head still leaning in a car window. she move a bit trying to find a most comfortable position she could have.

“Do you have a boyfriend right now?”

She look up at him in instant. that’s totally not a question she expect she will got on the way home from second date, not to mention at backseat of  a car.

” i don’t. Why do you asked?” She asked eventhough she knows where exact its going.

“I think i like you. Do you want to be my girlfriend?”

She stunned. So is it a confession now a day? are we all say goodbye to a good nice restaurant, roses, chocolates or those things they used to do in the old times?

She glanced at him. He still looking at her, waiting for an answer. She even doesn’t bother trying to figure out what’s on his head.She alread had her own battle in her head. Doesn’t it all she want all this time? she asked her self. She has tried years in most possible way she could to make a specific someone threw this question to her which eventualy he did not. Now when the exact question threw to her for someone he barely even know, she start questioning herself what exactly she want. A relationship?  a companion? a partner or that specific someone maybe?

“is it an confession?” she decided to asked him rather than spending more time with random guess. Also probably she really doesn’t need to add more question in her head righ tnow.

“i guess it is. ”

“But you don’t know me yet right? How do you know you like me?”

“I don’t know I just did”

“I can learn to know you from now on” He quickly add.

a long silence. the car turning into the small road that the both familiar with. They realize they’ll arrive to destination soon.

“So?”

She look at him, “Don’t you think its a bit….. well.. to soon?”

The car stop, in front of the place that she recognized as home. She sat there, didn’t move an inches.

“See you later then?” He smiled.

“yah.. see you later” She smiled back.

 

 

Hey, I like you too..

Maybe..

Maybe not..

 

Are u okay?

Are u really okay?

Really ? Are you sure?

Tell me if you’re not.

Those are simple thing, i wish i heard ocassionaly.

And nope.  I don’t wish it  from specific someone neither i wish it come very often.It just feel good to have someone checking on you ocasionally. Mostly because that is a solid proof that there is someone out there really do care about you. Well, ofcourse there is a possibility that they just curious which state are you in. But it still feel good to have someone that make sure you’re alive, not dying or worse.

Let me give you this situation:  you’re in a far far away country,  half a world away from place called home. Leaving your life behind you. in one point, you got sick. You will done whatever you can to make yourself better.

A medicine that you bought from closest pharmacy.

A blanket.

A good cup of tea.

A day off from your daily routine.

Almost all good thing that you rarely have.

But nothing can beat the feeling when someone checking on you.

Yup. I tell you. it’s feels like a good good. Trust me.  I’ve been there. I really i am.

a single text came to me this afternoon when i was at work:

‘I am sick’.

My finger stopped dancing in the keyboard, Glanced at the pop up notification from my phone. I opened the message, – which probably was a wrong move as now the small check in the screen changing into blue. I replied:

‘ Are u okay?’

I paused. I took a good few minutes to look at my own text. worried if my friendly gesture will be mistranslated. Or even worse, it will bring me further in the game. Seriously? My braing keep asking one single question that should have been  had a simple asnwer . Can’t we have a good friendly gesture in this world? As a humanbeing, without any intention. really, i am just trying to be a good person here. I sighed. pushed the backspace button and start re-typing:

‘gws.’

sent. few second later, The check mark changes its colour. Letting me know that my text has been read.

I wait a bit . no reply.

Then i go back to my pc, continuing what’s left to be done.

Hey, Get well soon. okay?

and this one i mean it.

What’s make you love your job?

“That’s my job..” He said. Paused, as if it is something that realy hard to say. Probaly it is.

“to motivate them so they  keep giving their 100% despite the low payment that company willing to give,” he continued

I glanced at him as it is a kind of deja vu. That’s exactly what my ex-boss try to do with me. Sort of things, anything he can do to stop me for quitting. I swallowed my tasteless food that i actually don’t want to touch anymore. This conversation started to become more interesting than a bowl in front of me.

” That won’t work,” i mumbled.

My mind keep dejavu-ing, things that i was experienced in my previous company. They tried, i wasn’t, i quit.

“I know it won’t, but what can i do? It’s company decision, i cannot like increasing their salary. if i could i would”

“Yeah, i know that’s not your fault. but again, that’s your job as a manager, aren’t you?”

“So what else i can do unless motivate them?”

I laugh a bit. Really, i can’t undestand why all managers thinks that motivation can make everyone survived for elemination.

“You know, motivation is bullshit. Thats won’t work. or at least for me”

“So what’s work on you?” He grinned, “except for salary”

” You know. as simple as appreciation”  i smiled, sacarstic indeed, but i am telling the truth.

We both sighed. We both agreed. Welcome to ‘i hate my job club’, my friend!

Ps. If you also happen to be a member of ‘I hate my job club’. Hope this post make you able to answer the very first question mention in the title

 

 

 

2016 Review in ABC

following a blogpost of a good friend of mine.  Also because its happens to be the end of 2016, so i was like ” hmm okay there’s nothing wrong to review thing that I’ve done (or not) in this not so glory year”.

A for Ambition (less)

If you happen to aware, i am A-bloodtype. The blood type that well-known for its perfectionist and ambitious personality.

Ambitious, they said. Before. Not now.

In my defense, maybe that’s nothing wrong to stop , take a deep breath, and well.. be a bit ambition-less.

just a bit. for a while. a year? or 2 maybe ? at least until i found something that make me a bit.. well ambitious?

B for Birthday.

One particular date in a year that remark your first existence in the world. Who doesn’t like a cake, candles, present and celebration?  But the fact adding 1 into your age, It is suck.

C for Credit card

Got my first credit card this 2016. But no.. nope. Its not the reason for my hedonistic nature this year.

D for Desperation

The main reason for me to stay in the game that probably just make me end up with blood tears.The cruelest thing  of all is the fact that I am not sure if i want to win this game.

E for Expectation

A life lesson that i basically got in 2016. quoting one particular guy that was unlucky enough to become my trash bin for a short period of time (sent you my courtesy, man!) ,

no expectation no disappointment.

well said, simple rules.

F for fiction

Fiction is something that was hiatus in my life for long period of time due to whatever the call.. err.. REAL LIFE?

G for Gym

Probably my best decision on 2016.

H for Hotel

A business line that i start in 2016 to help my old folks. Something that i sometime can be a bit stressful but also i enjoy at the same time. So if you happen need an accommodation here in my country , drop me a message 🙂 (Oops)

I for itinerary

Belitung, pahwang, Mt Gede, Seoul.. and same question i make every year.

2017. where will i go?

J for Jealousy 

Thing that make everything rips apart. But It isn’t me its her.

You know that kind of feeling that you already have picture for the most ideal situation and turns out its the complete opposite.

K for Kidnap

Kidnap me! get me out of here!

L for lifestyle

Pretty much has drastic changes in life style this year. At the end of year, I only can ask myself  with this horrifying question, “Where the hell  does all my money go?”

oh, shit!

M for MSG

Something that i cannot resist. I have a healthy diet. I cut all my sugary food in 2016. I even had give up starbuck- things that keep me alive for all those shit that thrown to me by my previous company, okay lets not go to detail here-. I said good bye to a good green tea latte i used to love. but MSG, no.

Well, You know..  that MSG. The thing that if its not around you’ll not search for it, but if its in front of your eyes you can’t resist. You know its bad for you, but you can’t help to keep adding more.

And i am not only talking about food here.

N for Nature

a new obsession that was started on 2015 up till now. The one that bring out the adventourus side of me that was hidden for a long time.Appearantly, its become one  my best remedies

O for the name of company that i work in righ now

basically where i spent more then 8-ish hour a day in 2016.

P for princess

Word that the used to called me in the office just because of my ‘princess syndrome’. It happen to become my number one resolution in 2017: getting rid of it.

Q or Queue

Let me ask you. Do you ever have a feeling that you want to push someone off from escalator just because they litterally stopped in the both side of it? or simply want to shoot someone’s forehead just because they cut the lines?

I did.

don’t judge me, i live in  city that ranked number 17th as most over populated city in the world. Remember Dan Brown’s novel, where the bad guy put biological bomb because he thinks that the world is overpopulated ? Now , i start to think that maybe that’s not a bad idea .

R for Review.

After 1,5 years working in retail industry i came up with conclusion that it’s impossible to please everyone. I know that already, but i take a new lesson right now when i start my own business, how much struggle it takes to get a single good review.

again, you can’t please every one. don’t you agree ?

S for stupidity 

The decision that my brain can make due to the “D” word.

T for Two Different word. one is a name, another is a thing. 

Both make me end up with previous “D” and “S”word.

Or probably it is the way around, the  “D “and “S”make me end up with these Ts.

Its like chicken and egg, you never know which one come first. You only know that you suddenly end up in this never ending loops.

U for Umeshu

a bottle of 10-15% made by sochu and ume that was fermented for several period of time. Again no need explanation.

Ah That’s remind me, i still have one bottle of umeshu in my fridge right now.

V for Vocabs

Things that i was lack of. Thanks to my broken English.

W for weekend get away

basically become my source of energy in 2016.Mostly a randowm decision that i made.fortunately, I glad i made it. I mean if you stuck in office life again after doing nomad life. you’ll need this ocasional leaves

X for Xin nian

Xin nian a.k.a new year in chinese. Well i am  writting this in new year season, right ?

Oh, don’t look me like that!

I mean what do you expect? it’s an X .. it’s even hard on scramble

Z for Zen.

Inner peace. That’s probably what i need right now. most of all.

Amnesiac

Memory.

They say human can’t live without it.  Memory will keep the deceased live in your heart. Bring you back to the those places you once go. Or simply reminds you to every silly thing that you done when you’re still young.

So they pity me.

simply because i woke from one year coma just to found out that i lost mine.

I remember ,- well, pretty sacarstic to say i remember though, when i first time open my eyes againt to dazzling sunlight. I saw a particular guys look me in pity, as if its a bad thing to open my eyes. i look him in back in dazzled, tying to figure out who he is. Though is pretty clear since he is using white gown and silver stethoscope hanggling at his neck.

“are u okay ?”

i mumbled. i don’t even sure what i said that time.  but if all those things matter? as it only took him few minutes for him to dianogse me with what they call amnesiac.

My head hurts.

 

let me tell you a secret.I remember nothing except for my name. and for that i was blessed.

 

 

Memory. they say human can’t live without it.

For me, not having one is what’s keep me breathing.

When Life is boring, we all need fiction

Flash fiction,

also called micro fiction, micro narrative, micro-story, postcardfiction, short short, short short story, and sudden fiction, is a style of fictional literature of extreme brevity. There is no widely accepted definition of the length of the category. (micropedia)

Compilation of flash fiction that i write whenever i want to.

and nope.. this is not based on my life. it’s a fiction, okay?

enjoy.

  1. Consolation , 7 Sentences :

“How can you be together for such a long time ?”

people often asked. They just laughed, not like they can answer.

Nope,

It’s not love, not like others think.

It just because she wounded, a deep one. so was he.

yep , It’s not love.

It’s a consolation.

 

2. First date, 2 Sentences.

” I am excited to see you”

he said.

Leaving her in relieved knowing she isn’t the only one feeling so.

 

3. Last word, 3 sentences.

My wife never believe in heaven. So, when she lied in her bed dying. I looked in her eyes, hold her gently and whisper, “Don’t worry you won’t go there.”

 

4. Overdose,6 sentences

she starred at me with the look, as if i am crazy. Well, maybe i am.

“even so, you like him that much?”

I smiled. That’s the easiest question i ever heard.

“yes. that much”

 

5. Trust, 2 Sentences.

Trust is giving someone a knife and believe that it won’t be used against you.

then maybe, that’s the worst decision she made

 

6. Fear,  4 sentences.

She break all the mirrors at her home. not because she hate her appearance. neither she hate her reflection. Simply because it smile back at her.

 

7. Timing, 5 Sentences.

“What if.. you’ve met someone you want to spent the rest of you life with but you’re not ready for it? ”

“what if.. if you’re ready for it,, but  you haven’t ?”

“Timing is bitch”

” yeah.. i know”

leaving them both in a awkward silence.

 

8. chemical reaction, 8 sentences.

“you’ve changed me”

she said, suddenly, out of blue. It take me a good 5 sec to react , trying to find the most logical answer for her illogical statement.

” how come? we even rarely met ”

“psychologically, from a long distance”

He stunned.  It hit him. Finally he understand what carl jung said about chemical reaction.

9. Birthday’s wish, 8 Sentences.

“So what did you wish for ?” he said whilst holding a cake with candles that i just blew.

“time turner do exits”

” what if it doesn’t ?”

“fountain of youth then ?”

” if its also not ?”

“an ability to stop time? or at least introduce me to one who has”

” you know that’s all not possible”

“I know,” I sighed, “I just wish i realized it sooner”

 

10. Day 1, 4 Sentences

“Are u blushing ?”

I nodded.  A big satisfied grin peek across his face.

“Oh, shut it already”‘ I said before he could say something ,”How could i am not ? I suddenly got a boyfriend ”

 

11. Do you believe in Magic?

He suddenly asked me.

“you do? ” i asked him back instead of answering.

“well,” he paused. pushing his brain to come out with an briliant answer.

“it’s like fairy dust, it works for those who believe it ”

eventually that’s the statement that come out for his mouth. I silent. took his answer and try to use that in a way to finish the logic from the question i always have. He didn’t realize what i am doing alone with my mind. he still focused in what ever he is doing right now. Shuffling a deck, or what it is they call it here.

he stopped. Then give me a clear signed to took ranndom card from the deck that he continuesly shuffled then show it briefly to me. i take a quick glimpse. king diamond. good card i guess.

he shuffled again. i rolled my eyes trying to focus the movement of my previous card.

” you know. life will be easier if magic do exits”

” so you don’t believe in magic?”

“I don’t”, he took a long deep breath, “but i do tricks ”

he took random card from the deck once again and give it to me. the exact king diamond i previously had. I smiled and nod as a sign he give me correct answer.

“but i rather believe in magic rather than tricks”

He blinked. Took a second for him to take his concetration from his deck to me. More than a puzzled than a suprised. The exact same expression that your father will give you if you say no to iresistable pieace of candy. A big grin peek across my face,

“it works for those who believes, doesn’t it?”

 

12. Procaffeinating

‘Are you working late?’

first question that come out from his mouth, when he saw me still in front of my desk whilst the the pc in front of me still on. I push my glasses in my nose, trying not to look tired. I looked up to him and try to be less sacarstic

‘ whose fault do you think it is?’

he laugh a bit.

‘don’t be angry to me. i am not the one who ask the changes. I  working late too today’

yeah i know. I am telling myself. but really i need someone to blame.

‘i need caffeine’ i said suddenly,out of desperation.

‘what do you think i came here for?’

i instantly look up, saw him standing there with two cup of coffe in his hand.

‘I love you’

He laugh, ‘ I know.’