Blog Roll : Lesson learned 

“Well, technically you weren’t dumped since both of you never really been in a relationship”

That’s what a good friend of mine tell me when i told her that i was dumped. Well, logically she isn’t wrong. but really? Why it was not consider dump just because there is  never been or never will be  an existence of confession? After stumbled here and there, i’ve come with a conclusion that yo don’t need to be in relationship to get dumped.

And yes, if you ask me, I, like anybody else in this world, unfortunately have been dumped (Well, okay maybe not everyone..). Twice to be exact. One when i was in relationship, another one is not. The one that was in relationship, I wasn’t hurt at all, not even angry. I see this coming and it takes make like a few minutes to move on. While another one, the one that my friend said it was technically not being dumped, i was crying all night, took me a month go through denial phase, self blaming phase, wanting revenge and go back  again like a random loop. It’s took me 3 month to move on, and go back in instant the moment i met him in person. A tiny kind gesture from him can make me stay in the game that i have zero chance to win. Even so, They told me i wasn’t being dumped just because he never verbally asked me out? and I have no right to feel upset because technically he did nothing wrong? Okay, he’s not a big O jerk (let’s not go to the detail here). But,you got my point, right? It’s not about the matter of the status of your relationship, or the duration you’re being with someone. Those thingscannot determined how deep your feeling toward someone or how much will it hurts when that particular someone leaves you.

Then the relationship status doesn’t really matter, right?

I was asked that exact question a several times too. And Yes, it maybe cannot determined a lot of things. But for me, it’s still matter alot. It give you a privilege to enter his life or invite him to your life. Give you privilege to randomly let him know what happen to your life by a non-sense text that you randomly sent just because you’re bored. a privilage to be a bit needy or even spoiled once in a while. a sense of belonging that let you know that you’re belong to someone. Small thing that will help you threw away those pride you usually have so that you’ll be able to show a bit of affection? Isn’t it things that probably you won’t do to just a regular friend ?

But again human’s relationship is indeed never been simple, whether it’s something that was called a ‘relationship’ or ‘friendship’, the one who has deeper feeling most likely will get hurt. Therefor, it has to be equal to make it work.

equal love. equal feeling. equal expectation.

Isn’t relationship is  all about comprimising each other flaws and need?

Previously, I always think that the opossite of ‘i like you’ is ‘i don’t like you’. But i forgot that there is also a things like :

‘I like you but just not enough’

‘I like you but not as much as you did’

‘Maybe i just like you too much’

It is indeed crazy world out there with gazillion people in this planet. We coincidentaly accross each other path. We connected to each other with or without intention. so until you found the person that equally love you just like you did.

Why don’t we try our best not hurt or getting hurt to each other?

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FICTION : Car Without Brake

Should we stop?

Stop what?

You know, us meeting each other.

I can’t do  that.
So what do you want?

Is it working?

 

What?

Us. Being friend.

 

You know that i tried to make it works, right?

i know.

 

But you don’t.

Is that why you are angry?

 

No. i am not.

Yes, you are.

 

I am not. I don’t care you believe me or not.

Don’t be mad.

 

You make me. 

Then, What is it about?

 

I am just…  tired.

me too

 

Therefor i told you we should stop

You know i can’t.

 

You’re being selfish.

I know.

 

You don’t even like me.

I like you.

 

Don’t say that if you don’t mean it.

I do. I really do.

 

I don’t believe you. And probably never will.

You know that you are special.

 

Not special enough.

Are  we having this conversation again?

 

You brought this up.

 

….

Let’s stay friend

 

….

Please say something

 

what do you even expect me to say?

you don’t want it?

 

Want  what?

Us being friends.

 

Is that what you what you want?

For now,  maybe

 

You know that you are being selfish again, right?

I know. I am sorry.

 

….

So?

 

Just until we meet someone that belong to us.

Just until we meet someone that belong to us.

 

Then they will asked us to stop.

They will.

 

 

hey?

ya?

 

We will stop eventually, right ?

probably

 

What if we won’t ?

let’s not make things complicated.

 

Us is already complicated.

 

you know?

yes?

 

It will be easier if i can hate you.

 

Maybe.. not..

In Response : Daily prompt  Too Soon?

a black sedan car move in 50km/h through the nightstreet in jakarta. Pretty slow you might be think, but if you know how crazy the trafic this city is. You’ll probably won’t think so. That pretty much normal at this hour,especially at saturday night. The clock showing exactly 10pm while a guy and a girl both seating in the back seat of that sedan car. Both doesn’t look tired at all eventough that the night start becoming late and cold

.
“I have fun to day”say the guy breaking up the silence.

” i did too,” she put her head, leaning to the window,-which probably the only thing she can lean to right now, ocassionaly looking at the street light. She can hear a car honk few times which makes her wonder why the street is still busy at this time. But she don’t even borther, she lived in the city which has population way much more than it should’ve. That’s already shoud be

“I really hope we hang out very often” he said again.

this time she nodded as an answer. her head still leaning in a car window. she move a bit trying to find a most comfortable position she could have.

“Do you have a boyfriend right now?”

She look up at him in instant. that’s totally not a question she expect she will got on the way home from second date, not to mention at backseat of  a car.

” i don’t. Why do you asked?” She asked eventhough she knows where exact its going.

“I think i like you. Do you want to be my girlfriend?”

She stunned. So is it a confession now a day? are we all say goodbye to a good nice restaurant, roses, chocolates or those things they used to do in the old times?

She glanced at him. He still looking at her, waiting for an answer. She even doesn’t bother trying to figure out what’s on his head.She alread had her own battle in her head. Doesn’t it all she want all this time? she asked her self. She has tried years in most possible way she could to make a specific someone threw this question to her which eventualy he did not. Now when the exact question threw to her for someone he barely even know, she start questioning herself what exactly she want. A relationship?  a companion? a partner or that specific someone maybe?

“is it an confession?” she decided to asked him rather than spending more time with random guess. Also probably she really doesn’t need to add more question in her head righ tnow.

“i guess it is. ”

“But you don’t know me yet right? How do you know you like me?”

“I don’t know I just did”

“I can learn to know you from now on” He quickly add.

a long silence. the car turning into the small road that the both familiar with. They realize they’ll arrive to destination soon.

“So?”

She look at him, “Don’t you think its a bit….. well.. to soon?”

The car stop, in front of the place that she recognized as home. She sat there, didn’t move an inches.

“See you later then?” He smiled.

“yah.. see you later” She smiled back.

 

 

Hey, I like you too..

Maybe..

Maybe not..

 

Are u okay?

Are u really okay?

Really ? Are you sure?

Tell me if you’re not.

Those are simple thing, i wish i heard ocassionaly.

And nope.  I don’t wish it  from specific someone neither i wish it come very often.It just feel good to have someone checking on you ocasionally. Mostly because that is a solid proof that there is someone out there really do care about you. Well, ofcourse there is a possibility that they just curious which state are you in. But it still feel good to have someone that make sure you’re alive, not dying or worse.

Let me give you this situation:  you’re in a far far away country,  half a world away from place called home. Leaving your life behind you. in one point, you got sick. You will done whatever you can to make yourself better.

A medicine that you bought from closest pharmacy.

A blanket.

A good cup of tea.

A day off from your daily routine.

Almost all good thing that you rarely have.

But nothing can beat the feeling when someone checking on you.

Yup. I tell you. it’s feels like a good good. Trust me.  I’ve been there. I really i am.

a single text came to me this afternoon when i was at work:

‘I am sick’.

My finger stopped dancing in the keyboard, Glanced at the pop up notification from my phone. I opened the message, – which probably was a wrong move as now the small check in the screen changing into blue. I replied:

‘ Are u okay?’

I paused. I took a good few minutes to look at my own text. worried if my friendly gesture will be mistranslated. Or even worse, it will bring me further in the game. Seriously? My braing keep asking one single question that should have been  had a simple asnwer . Can’t we have a good friendly gesture in this world? As a humanbeing, without any intention. really, i am just trying to be a good person here. I sighed. pushed the backspace button and start re-typing:

‘gws.’

sent. few second later, The check mark changes its colour. Letting me know that my text has been read.

I wait a bit . no reply.

Then i go back to my pc, continuing what’s left to be done.

Hey, Get well soon. okay?

and this one i mean it.

What’s make you love your job?

“That’s my job..” He said. Paused, as if it is something that realy hard to say. Probaly it is.

“to motivate them so they  keep giving their 100% despite the low payment that company willing to give,” he continued

I glanced at him as it is a kind of deja vu. That’s exactly what my ex-boss try to do with me. Sort of things, anything he can do to stop me for quitting. I swallowed my tasteless food that i actually don’t want to touch anymore. This conversation started to become more interesting than a bowl in front of me.

” That won’t work,” i mumbled.

My mind keep dejavu-ing, things that i was experienced in my previous company. They tried, i wasn’t, i quit.

“I know it won’t, but what can i do? It’s company decision, i cannot like increasing their salary. if i could i would”

“Yeah, i know that’s not your fault. but again, that’s your job as a manager, aren’t you?”

“So what else i can do unless motivate them?”

I laugh a bit. Really, i can’t undestand why all managers thinks that motivation can make everyone survived for elemination.

“You know, motivation is bullshit. Thats won’t work. or at least for me”

“So what’s work on you?” He grinned, “except for salary”

” You know. as simple as appreciation”  i smiled, sacarstic indeed, but i am telling the truth.

We both sighed. We both agreed. Welcome to ‘i hate my job club’, my friend!

Ps. If you also happen to be a member of ‘I hate my job club’. Hope this post make you able to answer the very first question mention in the title

 

 

 

2016 Review in ABC

following a blogpost of a good friend of mine.  Also because its happens to be the end of 2016, so i was like ” hmm okay there’s nothing wrong to review thing that I’ve done (or not) in this not so glory year”.

A for Ambition (less)

If you happen to aware, i am A-bloodtype. The blood type that well-known for its perfectionist and ambitious personality.

Ambitious, they said. Before. Not now.

In my defense, maybe that’s nothing wrong to stop , take a deep breath, and well.. be a bit ambition-less.

just a bit. for a while. a year? or 2 maybe ? at least until i found something that make me a bit.. well ambitious?

B for Birthday.

One particular date in a year that remark your first existence in the world. Who doesn’t like a cake, candles, present and celebration?  the fact adding 1 into your age, It is sucked.

C for Credit card

Got my first credit card this 2016. But no.. nope. Its not the reason for my hedonistic nature this year.

D for Desperation

The main reason for me to stay in the game that probably just make me end up with blood tears.The cruelest thing  of all is the fact that I am not sure if i want to win this game.

E for Expectation

A life lesson that i basically got in 2016. quoting one particular guy that was unlucky enough to become my trash bin for a short period of time (sent you my courtesy, man!) ,

no expectation no disappointment.

well said, simple rules.

F for fiction

Fiction is something that was hiatus in my life for long period of time due to whatever the call.. err.. REAL LIFE?

G for Gym

Probably my best decision on 2016.

H for Hotel

A business line that i start in 2016 to help my old folks. Something that i sometime can be a bit stressful but also i enjoy at the same time. So if you happen need an accommodation here in my country , drop me a message 🙂 (Oops)

I for itinerary

Belitung, pahwang, Mt Gede, Seoul.. and same question i make every year.

2017. where will i go?

J for Jealousy 

Thing that make everything rips apart. But It isn’t me its her.

You know that kind of feeling that you already have picture for the most ideal situation and turns out its the complete opposite.

K for Kidnap

Kidnap me! get me out of here!

L for lifestyle

Pretty much has drastic changes in life style this year. At the end of year, I only can ask myself  with this horrifying question, “Where the hell  does all my money go?”

oh, shit!

M for MSG

Something that i cannot resist. I have a healthy diet. I cut all my sugary food in 2016. I even had give up starbuck- things that keep me alive for all those shit that thrown to me by my previous company, okay lets not go to detail here-. I said good bye to a good green tea latte i used to love. but MSG, no.

Well, You know..  that MSG. The thing that if its not around you’ll not search for it, but if its in front of your eyes you can’t resist. You know its bad for you, but you can’t help to keep adding more.

And i am not only talking about food here.

N for Nature

a new obsession that was started on 2015 up till now. The one that bring out the adventourus side of me that was hidden for a long time.Appearantly, its become one  my best remedies

O for the name of company that i work in righ now

basically where i spent more then 8-ish hour a day in 2016.

P for princess

Word that the used to called me in the office just because of my ‘princess syndrome’. It happen to become my number one resolution in 2017: getting rid of it.

Q or Queue

Let me ask you. Do you ever have a feeling that you want to push someone off from escalator just because they litterally stopped in the both side of it? or simply want to shoot someone’s forehead just because they cut the lines?

I did.

don’t judge me, i live in  city that ranked number 17th as most over populated city in the world. Remember Dan Brown’s novel, where the bad guy put biological bomb because he thinks that the world is overpopulated ? Now , i start to think that maybe that’s not a bad idea .

R for Review.

After 1,5 years working in retail industry i came up with conclusion that it’s impossible to please everyone. I know that already, but i take a new lesson right now when i start my own business, how much struggle it takes to get a single good review.

again, you can’t please every one. don’t you agree ?

S for stupidity 

The decision that my brain can make due to the “D” word.

T for Two Different word. one is a name, another is a thing. 

Both make me end up with previous “D” and “S”word.

Or probably it is the way around, the  “D “and “S”make me end up with these Ts.

Its like chicken and egg, you never know which one come first. You only know that you suddenly end up in this never ending loops.

U for Umeshu

a bottle of 10-15% made by sochu and ume that was fermented for several period of time. Again no need explanation.

Ah That’s remind me, i still have one bottle of umeshu in my fridge right now.

V for Vocabs

Things that i was lack of. Thanks to my broken English.

W for weekend get away

basically become my source of energy in 2016.Mostly a randowm decision that i made.fortunately, I glad i made it. I mean if you stuck in office life again after doing nomad life. you’ll need this ocasional leaves

X for Xin nian

Xin nian a.k.a new year in chinese. Well i am  writting this in new year season, right ?

Oh, don’t look me like that!

I mean what do you expect? it’s an X .. it’s even hard on scramble

Z for Zen.

Inner peace. That’s probably what i need right now. most of all.