Life Reel

I was told that my whole life will be flashing in front of my eyes the moment i am dying. do i believe that? Well, i am not sure. But indeed life is a series of moment that come one after another in sequence. It was just like in a film-reel. Therefor i am writing this post, only for the sake of avoiding awkward moment-flashing my life whilst being watch by an angel. Or simply just because i want you to become part of my life-reel.

Or maybe just to give you some thing to read (just in case you’re bored.) So I a shameless compilation of all the interesting (or mostly stupid) moment in my life. This is a growing post so i’ll put more if i found a good one.

And yes, in case you haven’t realize it, my life sometime can become a complete mess.


“Damn!”

– Things that you said to yourself when you go to Facebook and found out your old crush is getting married and so is the person who used to have a crush on you.


“be your self! life is too short just for regretting what you haven’t done or who you are. “

– Another random self-talk because of Facebook-walking and realizing that you’re surrounded by amazing people that doing amazing things. While you are still..

well, nothing.


“i wish fountain of youth does exits”

– The moment you feel..

Well, old


“i will live my life to the fullest”

– The moment you stop for a while and look around, and feel extremely grateful for your own life. or at least because you just re-run one drama ;P


“In this life, there is an distinct between field: engineering, design, and business.
its very often that you don’t know what you want to do and sometime you want to do them all.”

– A quotable word that stuck on you because of this


“Oh, Okay..”

– The only thing you can say when your SPV says you miss one important step which make all your result is wrong, and you need to do re-analysis your data at H-2 submission.

Btw did I already mention H-2?


“Oh.. Msc.. why? Really? WHY?!”

– Basically what you can say when you felt your soul left your body for moment above


“Hang in there, You’re one of the strongest person i know “
– A wise friend when you told her the moment above


“well, you know. what ever doesn’t kill you just make you stronger”
– Same wise friend when you told her moment above AGAIN!


“Result will never betray process”
– Another wise friend that when you shamelessly told her how desperate you are for being stupid no matter how hard you tried.


“Well, ɪ used to work in retail, i once standing for more than 12 hours in 5cm-wedges”

-How you answer your boss when he ask you to change your shoes for the sake of the job. complete blog post -> here


” Well, at least he was chosen by a god”
– An answer for my damn stupid question, how come a king become a KING?!


” you’ll need a time like this, when you just enjoy life”
– A friend when you sit in a nice restaurant with a damn good view


” live your life like a boss”
– A friend when you go to lower currency country


“Human potential is unlimited, its just our mind that make the limit”
– The moment you fly up high despite the fact that you have a thing with height.


“Did you miss HOME?”
– the moment when everything gets hard


” Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bug bite”
– the moment that you get bitten by the bed bug, literary.


“So, what exactly do you want?”

– a question that was thrown to me when i asked myself the exact some question.


“There is 2 person inside me”

– the statement that make you really want to be sarcastic.


“Can people really just do some good deeds without any other intention?”

-the moment that you start doubting sincerity in humanity,


“You’re the only person i know who can live so frugal”

– a friend when we talked about.. err money


“Your pride is truly something ya”

-An ex when i told him about my current ( now already become another ex-) bf


“At the end we still love it. You know culture, food, and basically everything about it but the people”

-Things that me and my friend can conclude about this particular country.


“I forgot that you’ve been that stupid”

-A good friend of mine who has no clue that I’ve done something even more stupid.


“He’ll leave sooner or later”

– A good friend of mine when we both talk about our relationship life that has more obvious ending than a cliche novel.


“Actually you’re not anymore, right?”

– The statement that make you really want to be sacarstic part 2.


“Its weird, both of you”

– A good friend of mine commenting on my current relationship


“I am already in the point that i can’t differentiate whether its cultural thing or he indeed take me for granted”

– Things that i can say when yeah.. you know…


“Let be us against the world”

-As if..

“If i give you an exit right now, will you take it ?”

-As if part 2..


“Then why don’t you just change now ? ”

-Inner thought when scrapping what its worth


m
“Even that you put 1000% effort, it will end up the same”

– A good friend of mine with statement i need to hear the most


“It just feel so unfair, when i was hurt this much. but probably for him it’s juat like a poop that pass by at the river”


“I really wish your next one will be nothing like me. That she speaks like you, believe what you believe, and born in the same land like you, different from me in any way. Then i will continue blame the world, reassure that it wasn’t on me. That there is nothing wrong in my personality. just by that..

I can continue live on”

– Inner thought

______________________________________________________________________________________________

“there is one day in my life that i think that happiness wasn’t made for me”
– Inner thought
______________________________________________________________________________________________

A Happiness List

Just because i am in a mood to make another growing post. Let’s list up things that make me happy even tough it’s probably become a weird:

  1. a theme park with its happy go lucky visitor
  2. a really good photo that was snapped by my low level photography skill
  3. an instant noodle cup on cheat day
  4. a good tea blend at office every morning
  5. that bunch of ilegally downloaded movie on my pc
  6. a lazy Sunday afternoon when you literally doing nothing
  7. a free ticket that was flash right in front of my eye
  8. that rum raisin mochi ice cream
  9. a sudden ‘YES’ to any trip you possibly have
  10. some good good quotes from movie/song/books
  11. a whatssap notification on my phone
  12. another Disney life action movie
  13. a kind stranger that offer to help lift up my suitcase at stair in subway
  14. a highspeed internet connection
  15. a simple compliment that threw to you without any intention
  16. a tidy room which is a exceptional because its usually a complete mess
  17. a good blog written by stranger
  18. a feeling when you look liked professional even that you’re not
  19. a display of pretty pretty dessert in store’s window
  20. that full course meal with unspellable name
  21. and a glass of wine on top of that
  22. a cheap bus ride across the countries
  23. picking up a birthday present
  24. cuddling
  25. a new water dispenser in my room
  26. a coupon code over discounted item
  27. a proper breakfast
  28. a shit emoji 💩
  29. a kindle and its feature which make thing why i didn’t have this stuff in the first place
  30. being on the top after hike
  31. a wild orang utan that come super close to me
  32. a good shot of my back (okay, i admit this one super weird)
  33. making a weird list (oh this is one)
  34. Watching someone vlog
  35. Listening to someone vlog
  36. Basically free money from referral code

Okay i admit, i am easy to pleased person

Fiction: Muse

The muses are ghosts, and sometimes they come uninvited.”

-stephen king

Though not all of us is an artist, we all need to be in touch with a muse that teases our sense of wonder and built our crave to life’s next adventure.

Up till now my life is a constant search of a muse. I sometime try  found a muse in a sound. How could i say, I am audial, some particular sound is like a treat to my ears. I like the chopping sound from a cutting board or a sound of dancing finger on qwerty.

Then I search my muse in a smell. An familiar smell that i can sense each morning everytime i open my eyes. It can be the smell of freshly brewed coffee that sneak up into my bed room or the smell of grass with a hint of morning dew. Or call me crazy, but petichor is my favorite.

But eventually, i found my muse as a person. Not a woman like how muse usually described in every literature for centuries. He is a guy that every gesture of him tease my sense of creativity . The sound and smell that used to be my muse, he creates them for me this time.I called him muse-guy, which make him grin when i called him so.  He isn’t much conversationalist. He always just sit there doing nothing, pretend to ignore me – one who continue scratching pen on those paper while stealing glance of him ocassionaly. 

He is my muse guy -my source of inspiration.

He come uninvited.

He leave unnoticed.

Fiction : Not A Pair

It was a nice cozy restaurant in the downtown. It’s a quite fancy restaurant, i guess- looking at the menu which show a quite number of dollar for a pair of steak or bottle of good booze. I probably wouldn’t  want spent a dime here if its not a free dinner  voucher provide by the firm for what i’ve done for them this year. So here i am ordering the most fancy wine i can order and some french food with a name i even  cannot pronounce. while waiting for my date to come,  i continue taping my finger at the table nervously. It’s not like first time for me to have dinner date, but it probably the first time for quite significant period of time. I  actually don’t even sure if i can call him my date tonight. He is an intern in my firm – 5 years younger than me. We got really close lately and i know he kind of fancy me. Nope, its not like a romantic attraction,  yet it’s more like junior to senior’s respect I guess. Us it’s completely platonic.  That’s might be one of the reason why i ask him out when i got this free not-so-romantic dinner.

He is a bit late when i saw him enter the restaurant, panting. It’s traffic out there, i guess. I wave my hand to let him know where i sit, he saw me and give a sign to the waiter who just about to ask him whether he has made a reservation . He come to me as with a big bucket of white flower in his hand. Roses – well at least he god a good sense.

” congratulation, I know you’ll make it ,” he said with a big grin.

“thanks, I’m glad you  can make it. Have a seat,” I said, ” I hope you don’t mind, I have placed an order for you”

“Nah it’s my fault to come late. Few, It’s crazy traffic out there. I accept anything free tonight,” he winked.

I hate to admit it but i flustered for a moment. He looks fine in his suit, pretty much different with the usual him at i saw in the office, not a final year intern in faded jeans and sneaker. Now,  I am quite glad that put on my best little black dress and touch up my face with make up that i got from my mom for christmas.

“You’re so impressive” he adds, “Indepedent, strong, and corgrats for tge promotion”

I giggled, ” you’re just being  kind really.  That is the only thing i can do”

” but not everyone make it this far, right? “He said, ” I am not”

“They’ll hire you permanently. Richard told me this morning,” I take my wine glass for a toast,”Congratulation to you too then”

“This night is about you not me. So how should you i serve you tonight, milady ?”

I laughed again,”The waiter will serve us, you don’t have to. But if you insist, you can start pour me another glass of wine”

“My pleasure”

We both laughed.

“i can’t believe you spent a night like this with me” He add ” You should find someone special soon”

i rolled my eyes,”That’s your benefit then. At least you got a free dinner”

“I guess” He grinned, “But that because you never really search for someone. I mean look at you,”

” Did I mention that you’re impressive ?” He adds

” Twice tonight, A couples everyday, And hundreds since i know you”

” Wow, you keeping track” He smiled, ” I should’ve known that”

” I am good at numbers” I laughed ” But yeah.. you know there is  a distinct  differences between looked impressive and pretty right? And most of the time you know what they’ll choose”

” why don’t you just search someone who prefer to see you look impressive than pretty then”

” Ya.. let me know if that kind of guy do exit,” I silent looking at my reflection through wine glass. sparkling,  reflecting my one blue eye that was left since that accident two years ago. one. not a pair.

Back From Neverland

” Is that it, pete ?” she said when they finally arrived at the place she familiar with, ” Is it a goodbye? ”

“you knew i can’t leave neverland,”

“But i like it there,” She mumbled

“I know” He smiled whilst pat her head gently

“Don’t do that, I am older than you,” she pouted her lips.

“Technically yes, ” He giggled

“Do you know, Pete?” She asked, her eyes fixed into a big house in front of them, “you did know why i don’t want to leave neverland, didn’t you ?”

“Why? don’t you miss home ?” He asked back instead of answering.

” It’s just scary world out here, Pete ” She mourned desperately.

” The world is scary, Wen. Even in neverland,” He assured her

, “Believe me you won’t want spent a life time being chased by nutcase pirate,”

Wendy laugh a bit. maybe it’s the first time she laughed that evening

“So , are ready for going home?” he offer his hand to her “Shall we?”

” We shall” she reach out his hand.

Peter smiled. They both start floating in the air, hand in hand for the last time. Peter guide her to the second floor window, unlocked just like when they left it. Peter make sure Wendy land smoothly in her room before he perched by the window. Wendy stumbled a bit but she quickly found her balanced.

” I though you already expert on landing after those fairy dust training”

” I also tough i am,” She grinned, “I probably need more practices”

” You don’t need to fly here, Wen”

“I guess i am,” She frowned

“So good bye, Wen” He start floating into the air, “It’s really a pleasure to know you. I really am”

“Good bye, Pete” She whispered watching her best friend drift away to the moon. She look at the window until she finally lose him from her sight. She stand there for few minutes until she decide to crawl to her bed, letting the window open. The curtain continue flowing a few times as the night wind slowly entering the room. Wendy shrugged herself below the blanket, pretending to be asleep so neither of her parents knew what happen to her tonight.

That’s why when ms. darling check her out just like she would do every other day, she has no clue that tonight is special. She just gently close the window so her daughter wouldn’t get sick at that cold night, not knowing that its her daugther itself who let it open. She caress her hair and give her forehead a good night kiss. Mrs Darling look at her daugther sleeping’s face and whispered, ‘Oh, why can’t you remain like this for ever!’

Wendy kept her eyes closed continue pretending to be a sleep . Nevertheless, for none who knew. She hated peter pan with all her heart for him who never grew up. It is more an envy than a hate. if she could exchange those fairy dust with the ability to stop the time, she would. Henceforth Wendy knew that she must grow up..

even she didn’t want to.

– Shamelessly take some dialog from Finding Neverland (J.M. Barrie), and for you that might haven’t notice, yes that also where the characters in this fiction from.

Blog Roll : Lesson learned 

“Well, technically you weren’t dumped since both of you never really been in a relationship”

That’s what a good friend of mine tell me when i told her that i was dumped. Well, logically she isn’t wrong. but really? Why it was not consider dump just because there is  never been or never will be  an existence of confession? After stumbled here and there, i’ve come with a conclusion that yo don’t need to be in relationship to get dumped.

And yes, if you ask me, I, like anybody else in this world, unfortunately have been dumped (Well, okay maybe not everyone..). Twice to be exact. One when i was in relationship, another one is not. The one that was in relationship, I wasn’t hurt at all, not even angry. I see this coming and it takes make like a few minutes to move on. While another one, the one that my friend said it was technically not being dumped, i was crying all night, took me a month go through denial phase, self blaming phase, wanting revenge and go back  again like a random loop. It’s took me 3 month to move on, and go back in instant the moment i met him in person. A tiny kind gesture from him can make me stay in the game that i have zero chance to win. Even so, They told me i wasn’t being dumped just because he never verbally asked me out? and I have no right to feel upset because technically he did nothing wrong? Okay, he’s not a big O jerk (let’s not go to the detail here). But,you got my point, right? It’s not about the matter of the status of your relationship, or the duration you’re being with someone. Those thingscannot determined how deep your feeling toward someone or how much will it hurts when that particular someone leaves you.

Then the relationship status doesn’t really matter, right?

I was asked that exact question a several times too. And Yes, it maybe cannot determined a lot of things. But for me, it’s still matter alot. It give you a privilege to enter his life or invite him to your life. Give you privilege to randomly let him know what happen to your life by a non-sense text that you randomly sent just because you’re bored. a privilage to be a bit needy or even spoiled once in a while. a sense of belonging that let you know that you’re belong to someone. Small thing that will help you threw away those pride you usually have so that you’ll be able to show a bit of affection? Isn’t it things that probably you won’t do to just a regular friend ?

But again human’s relationship is indeed never been simple, whether it’s something that was called a ‘relationship’ or ‘friendship’, the one who has deeper feeling most likely will get hurt. Therefor, it has to be equal to make it work.

equal love. equal feeling. equal expectation.

Isn’t relationship is  all about comprimising each other flaws and need?

Previously, I always think that the opossite of ‘i like you’ is ‘i don’t like you’. But i forgot that there is also a things like :

‘I like you but just not enough’

‘I like you but not as much as you did’

‘Maybe i just like you too much’

It is indeed crazy world out there with gazillion people in this planet. We coincidentaly accross each other path. We connected to each other with or without intention. so until you found the person that equally love you just like you did.

Why don’t we try our best not hurt or getting hurt to each other?

FICTION : Car Without Brake

Should we stop?

Stop what?

You know, us meeting each other.

I can’t do  that.
So what do you want?

Is it working?

 

What?

Us. Being friend.

 

You know that i tried to make it works, right?

i know.

 

But you don’t.

Is that why you are angry?

 

No. i am not.

Yes, you are.

 

I am not. I don’t care you believe me or not.

Don’t be mad.

 

You make me. 

Then, What is it about?

 

I am just…  tired.

me too

 

Therefor i told you we should stop

You know i can’t.

 

You’re being selfish.

I know.

 

You don’t even like me.

I like you.

 

Don’t say that if you don’t mean it.

I do. I really do.

 

I don’t believe you. And probably never will.

You know that you are special.

 

Not special enough.

Are  we having this conversation again?

 

You brought this up.

 

….

Let’s stay friend

 

….

Please say something

 

what do you even expect me to say?

you don’t want it?

 

Want  what?

Us being friends.

 

Is that what you what you want?

For now,  maybe

 

You know that you are being selfish again, right?

I know. I am sorry.

 

….

So?

 

Just until we meet someone that belong to us.

Just until we meet someone that belong to us.

 

Then they will asked us to stop.

They will.

 

 

hey?

ya?

 

We will stop eventually, right ?

probably

 

What if we won’t ?

let’s not make things complicated.

 

Us is already complicated.

 

you know?

yes?

 

It will be easier if i can hate you.